Oy

I honestly don't know what this means for us. But I guess we'll spend the next few weeks figuring out the answer.

I'm not worried, I bought $400 worth of school uniforms today.

I just didn't buy anything in long sleeve.

Prologue

Well, life begins it's new chapter this week. It's actually not a new chapter yet, but a prologue to Chapter 1: Back to School.

And while I dread this particular event, I cannot deny it any longer with vacations, ice cream and sleepovers. I must face the hard truth that school supply shopping is in my future this week.

Along with the requisite lists that seem to grow every year in size and scope, a trip to the uniform store is on the agenda this week. And haircuts. And backpacks and lunchboxes. And shoes--something we haven't worn since May. The next two weeks are littered with shopping, doctor's appointments and room cleaning. Yuck, yuck, and yuckier.

It is also the last full week of the Intern. Another event I dread. He's been here since Jess was 2 weeks old, and since I can't remember life without her, I can't remember life without him. Honestly, by August 20, this house is going to be sooooo quiet. Adding to it, my voice will bounce off the walls there will be so much extra space. I don't know what I'll do with the extra hours on Mondays when not doing the extra loads of laundry.

Speaking of which, he's not gone yet, so I should hop to it.

Why are you yelling at me????

Have you ever had one of those eDays when you felt like every piece of non-verbal communication you received was yelling at you? Like there were implied emoticons of anger or indifference in every email you read? And since you recognized that it was across the board, you recognize with self-awareness that you were probably being a little eSensitive, but still really would appreciate a little LOL or smiley face just to pick you up? Or a forwarded joke? A chain letter would even be appreciated at the moment.

eSniff.

iAm a Star

Because I know you are dying to know, yes, the little project for HP went smashingly. I will be vlogging about it shortly, and we taped the taping so you can see every blessed detail, but I do want to report this repeating phrase that I heard more than 3 times on the set yesterday, "Oh, Suburban Diva! I've heard of you." That was pure music.

Music that iWill be playing on my iPhone. Because iHave an iPhone now. My wonderful husband surprised me with a token of my future fame gift, and iMust say, iLove my iPhone. iAm the coolest diva on the block now. Pretty soon you'll all get email (or maybe iMail?) that says "Sent from my iPhone." In the iMail there will be maps and videos from YouTube because iCan do that now.

iKnow iAm an iDiot, but an iDiot who can watch movies in the grocery store.

Jessica and I are making our acting debut in a little project for HP

I'm getting ready for my first business trip. That's right, it's Sub Diva on the road...Jessica and I are making our acting debut in a little project for HP. I think Jess has more of a speaking part than I do, but I really don't care because the one line I do get to say is, Jessica and I are making our acting debut in a little project for HP...

I truly cannot get over the amount of work it takes to leave this house for 30 hours. And I do realize I am making more of a project out of this than need be, but, again, Jessica and I are making our acting debut in a little project for HP, and I don't really know how to properly prepare for this. Packing is a nightmare when you're a head case who second guesses her postpartum posterior in front of a camera no less, so I have selected 1 outfit for every hour I'm there just to be safe.

Anyway, would I be a total geek if I admitted than I was more than a little excited? It's just a little thing, but I think it's a pretty cool little thing. If even just to be able to blog about the fact that Jessica and I are making our acting debut in a little project for HP.

The case of the missing grass post

Regular readers of the SubD blog may notice a missing post in recent days.

Well, I post-censored myself. I got myself all in a twitter today because I thought that perhaps Zoysia grass Boy might recognize myself, and then turn on the Diva and I would never be able to have my lawn aerated again.

Turns out that's not who was reading my blog.

And before I screw things up AGAIN by blogging too much and revealing the producer of said network television show, suffice it to say that a column--nay--perhaps an entire career will most definitely be forthcoming that I swear will have you weeping in laughter and pity for moi.

Yep, it's that good.

Take that, Zoysia grass Boy.

Jessica Marie

You know me pretty well by now. You know that I tend to be a bit sarcastic at times. Somewhat a cynic even. But although that's true, I consider it to be more that I simply tend to keep my more sappier moments more private.

But I'll share this one.

Sunday was Jessica's Christening day. And while the religious significance is obvious, there is a bit more to it than that for me. I absolutely love this formal welcome into the world. I love the ceremony, the pictures, the celebration. I love the scent of the oil on her breastbone. I love the feel of the 50 year-old dress that so many in her family have worn before her. I love fixing a big feast and then toasting her all night long with my family who travels so far to share these moments.

So although I have no time to write (it pains me to say those words) here is a visual recreation of the day.

Aunt Kathy dressing her. (She also made her a beautiful sweater, hat, booties and blanket.)




A rare family portrait.




The intern, his sister and her beautiful baby.




This one includes Jessie's new Godparents, Joey and Katie.




And whom I am so thankful for on this special day.

Beautiful words

Here's a sentence I really liked saying today:

"There's leftover homemade Tiramisu in the fridge."

Parlimentary procedure is so hot

My meeting tonight had 3 agenda items, and it took 3 1/2 hours. Why? Why? Why? The only bright spot to those evenings is a delightful woman who sits next to me and chats. She tells me jokes and drops the f-bomb as often as I do. She thinks we should set up a bar in the corner of the room to attract more participation. I love her.

Tomorrow morning we will beseiged by roofers. Yippee. I love spending that kind of money on something so totally utilitarian. Does anyone care what the shingle color I've chosen? Are you going to marvel at it and say, "My it keeps the rain from leaking into your home so nicely." I didn't think so.

Anyhoo, many exciting projects on the horizon for your little SD. Can't reveal details, but I have a little hum in my gut as I fantasize over the possibilities. With or without an agent.

Choices, choices

Yesterday, I began the task of chossing new flooring and a literary agent.

One to walk on, and one to walk on me.

"I'm going to control+alt+delete myself"

After so many days on the road, today was all about domesticity.

I stayed up late last night finishing a book, "Water for Elephants," by Sara Gruen--excellent read for those of you interested, and so this morning Jessie let me sleep in because she is a perfect baby. And then we spent the morning piddling around the house changing sheets and lightbulbs, baking brownies and otherwise catching up on those little things I usually put off. It was kind of nice even though it sounds so incredibly mundane. And now you think to yourself, oh my God, she's blogging about changing lightbulbs. God help her. (And me for reading about it.)

And that is a perfect segue to this, courtesy of my friend Zen:


Breaking News: All Online Data Lost After Internet Crash

Sarcasm Begets Sarcasm

One of the best quotes from the entire trip came from 7 year old Matty who has absolute perfect timing and dead pan humor.

We were sort of watching Canadian public television as we were getting ready one morning in Toronto. Some puppets with accents were singing about the environment.

Me: Those crazy Canadians--they love their clean air and water.

Matty: Jerks.

Misc.

So, I'm beginning to upload the vacation clips as you'll see on the handy-dandy widget to my right, and I am struck by many miscellaneous items that have occurred over the past two weeks, which I am forced to discuss, because that is what I do.

So, in no particular order, here are some random vacation thoughts:

*There needs to be way more equitable distribution of driving time. I spent the majority of the 3900 miles in the back seat watching "Everyone's Hero," and looking for "q's" on billboards.

*McDonald's should sell Similac. They would make gagillions. More. Like an infant Happy Meal with a Pampers as a toy.

*I am inexplicably moved by the turn-down service at a hotel.

*It is nice to meet your blog friends in real life. :)

*The intern remembered to feed the dogs, but I think we forgot to feed the intern.

*I love weddings, but I love a post-wedding dish the next day with the hosts and a bottle of wine or 7.

*Kellogg's really needs to reinstitute their factory tours. If even just to prevent crazy people like us sneaking in for a glimpse at Tony the Tiger. (Details to follow in a column, I promise.)

*Sangria is the official cocktail of summer of 2007. With the Sanritini in Toronto and a lovely frozen version in St. Charles, it won the title fair and square.


Not every mile was easy, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Home

Aaaaahhhh.....Home.

3900 miles, 15 states, 1 Canadian province, 10 days, countless thousands of dollars, 2 lost teeth, 4 fun kids and 2 whipped parents.

It was fun. It was nostalgic. It was goofy and silly and so unexpected. And it was too short.

Except for that last 200 miles or so when I thought I would die if I didn't get out of that car.

Many stories after laundry and some Jingle lovin'.

My fingers are going through blog withdraws...

Sitting here in this St. Louis hotel--which is awful, btw--as the family sleeps in. We've had such a great week, such a fabulous weekend, and now I'm all nostalgic and wistful now that I have had a taste of home these last few days.

The wedding and reception were absolutely beautiful, and it was great to see so many old friends. Yesterday, the boys spent the day at the game, and I went back to the old neighborhood for post-wedding dish with our hosts and to critique my old front lawn. That bitch killed my beautiful hydrangea, btw.

We're slated to leave today, but obviously that remains to be seen as no one seems to be in all of that much of a hurry to leave town. Leave this hotel perhaps, but not this town. But I guess it's time.

More later.

So. Many. Stories.

In St. Louis, in between the wedding and reception, and watching the boys play poker. The stakes are whoever wins gets to say anything they want to anyone tonight.

I'm doing that anyway.

(We're having a blast, and I will be posting every delicious morsel soon, dear peeps.)

Outta Here

Well, we did it. As I write my last post for a couple of days, the freshly bathed babes lay sleeping, the laundry is laundered, the suitcases are stowed, the car gassed and full of gear for 6 for two weeks. The Intern is going to keep tabs on the everything around here--a little scary--and we are off.

In a few short hours, we will be making our first day the toughest and getting as many miles as we can toward Toronto. Then Detroit. Then St. Louis. Then some crazy plans I'll be nixing after that.

I think I did a pretty good job at packing for a change, too. Despite feeling like absolute horseshit. Besides the thing--yesterday I pretty much ensured a permanent disability. I was feeding Jessie on the couch. I looked up at a spot on the ceiling and thought I spied a leak. Which really made me groan even though we're getting a new roof in a couple of weeks. Anyway, the spot looked like a leak, until I noticed there was a similar looking spot on the adjacent wall. Couldn't be a leak in the middle of the wall, right? So I put Jessie down and grabbed a broom so I could poke at the spot with the handle. I hear that's a good thing to with leaks. Anyway, it was at the top of the apex of a 14-foot cathedral ceiling, so I had to stand on a chair. And when that wasn't tall enough, I had to stand on the back of the chair on my tiptoes.

The precarious broom handle poking yielded not a soft wet spot, but a slimy one. I thought, What the hell? and quickly yelled for Matty and the Kravitz children who of course were here, and most probably responsible.

"What is this?" I ask.

"Nothing," The spawn of Kravitz answers.

"Oh, really? I think this white slime is something, and I also don't think it got up on the ceiling by spore reproduction, so would like to tell me what this is?"

"Oh, that. (Not to be confused with the blue slime on the floor.) It's from a toy. We might have flicked it up there."

And with that explanation, I fell. A slow motion fall in which I was completely devoid of all grace and posture, and hit every single body part on the way down to the floor. In took 20 minutes. It was an old person fall. I think I broke a hip. In front of the Intern. And my kids. And the Kravitz'. So I can't even lie about all of the bruises and say that I was getting my freak on in a mosh pit or something.

So I sat there all night long groaning and watching my skin turn purple while we watched, "Vacation," and drank beer.

I'm glad to be getting into that car shortly. Glad to be heading toward a little break. And away from doctors. And toward old friends. And away from cleaning. And toward corny fun. And away from slimy things on the ceiling. And toward bruises from bumping into the room service cart instead.

And away from home. And toward home.


P.S. I'll be sending blogstcards from the road...

Elevator music should be my theme song

Waiting for a return call from the doctor.

Why? Because it is the end of the week before we go on vacation, so that's when it all falls apart again, duh.

And just when I was starting to get organized, too. I swear if I spent $60 on a roof rack we're not going to use, I'll be seriously pissed.

And I know I must be off my game as a result of this stupid thing, because Mrs. Kravitz' kid just out-smarted me...grrrr....

P.S.

Even though Elizabeth Edwards didn't exactly open a can of whoop ass on Ann Coulter--more like shook a soda of firm annoyance--I appreciated the gesture.

I hope she had to wash her stringy hair twice to get rid of it all.

Not much progress

Let's check in with how the trip preparations are coming along, shall we?

"Holiday Road," by Linsey Buckingham ("Vacation" theme song in case your pop culture memory fails you) downloaded on iPod. Check.

New shoes sans Jingle teeth marks for wedding outfit purchased. Check.

Pedicure to go with new shoes sans Jingle teeth marks. Check.

And that's basically it. I've got a lot of work to do before Sunday. But I keep getting distracted with other stuff that's way more fun than packing diapers. Like, decorating my blog like a junior high school locker. Look at the cool side bar...And arguing online with people. Someone actually said this, "I don't want to put words in Tracey's mouth..." No one has ever put words in my mouth because there is not enough room with my own in there. And then I wasted about 45 minutes this morning looking for the Intern's traffic ticket receipt. Through the trash. Turns out it was with the pizza menus. In the pizza menu drawer. And then I spent a long time contemplating why I have a whole drawer dedicated to pizza menus.

But in between all of that nonsense, I managed to get the baby's check up, write a column, pay bills and pick up Jingle shrapnel. I'll do better tomorrow. I swear.