Thursday, August 30, 2007

Labor Day weekend

You: So, what are you doing this long Labor Day weekend, Trace?

Me: Oh, nothing, probably some chores around the house and swimming. You know, basically taking it easy.

Me:We rented a huge RV at the last minute and are parking it at Disney's Fort Wilderness for a little "camping."

Another mini-vacation courtesy of National Lampoon.

It'll be fun. So today on my morning out, in addition to the workout (yay for me!) I'll be stocking up on supplies since the beast comes home tonight so we can pack it up for le weekend. Apparently, it has little in the way of ameninities, so we'll be packing large this weekend.

But what else is new?

Have a nice weekend, all.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Self-Aggrandizing Post

You may choose one of the many reasons below to praise me copiously this mid week:

1) I worked out last night. As part of my new and improved fall schedule, the wonerful babysitter has resumed Tuesday nights AND added Thursday mornings, so I have time to actually complete other tasks than Target and eyebrow waxes.

2)The house has stayed reasonably organized since I last posted on those efforts. Wow.

3)I got the girls photographed! Jessie was easy since she has had previous professional modeling experience, but Amy hasn't smiled for a photo in 3 years. That's why I don't care that her hair looks like this.

4)I started a new writing project that I am most excited about. Yay!

5) I didn't laugh out loud when the bug guy said this: "Sorry it took so long, I was playing with the light switch in the bathroom. It's cool how you just touch it and the light goes off and on. Off and On." Nor did I respond in any other way except to make sure I didn't inhale any of the poison fumes too.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Well-wrapped pine nuts

Last year, you were all kind enough to contribute to the Pine Nut fund--my privileged childrens' fundraiser for their private school needs. What those could be, I can only guess since I have receipts for $827,000 worth of uniforms, paper towels and pencils that tuition doesn't apparently include. My best guess was so that these children could have pine nuts on the elementary school salad bar.

Well, thanks to your generous donations, that delicacy has been added, and this year we search for a new cause. A cause worthy enough to ask my friends, relatives, neighbors, strangers, and blog readers to purchase over-priced wrapping paper and stationary products in its name. Google stock? No, their personal financial consultants suggested T-bonds instead. Our Rodeo Drive field trip? No, we do an Easter fundraiser for that. New Pottery Barn desks? (No, that's me....)Hmmmm...

Well, since I do not know the official cause, let's have a contest to come up with it. Everyone write your best guesses in the comment section and the winner gets a pine nut.

Good luck!

Friday, August 24, 2007

When does the fun start?

What a week...

I keep hearing this whisper from store clerks, childless neighbors and barren strangers: What are you going to do with all of your extra time now that the kids are school?

Um...What? I didn't know those words could be arranged to form a sentence.

It sort of sounded like there should be some time during one's day not spent in car line. Or running to the store for yet another freaking pencil. Or baseball practice. Or packing backpacks. Or unpacking them.

And this cat is tired. I've still got an infant and toddler at home all day, there is no break from that. So, when I hear of this "free time" (and I actually form the exaggerated air quotes, thank you) I am supposed to have, I want to spit.

So in that vein, I have not been willing or able to comprise a new schedule. I was giving myself a pass for the first week, but for week 2 I've got to figure it out. It's contributing to my general melancholy I think. That, and the fact that I'm having one of those private girly meltdowns which happens to women every 35 minutes or so. I want all of my hair cut off. I never want to hear the tail end of this sentence, You look great, for just having a baby. WTF? Can't I just look good without the qualifier. It's like I'm Mama Cass without the talent. I'm going out and eat worms. I want costly surgical procedures and a new wardrobe. In a size 2.

Okay, one thing at a time. In a few minutes I'm going to a spaghetti dinner at church.

Stop laughing.

I'm going to eat dinner at lunch time from a buffet of listeria because the theme of the evening is, "New beginnings." It's supposed to be an effort to start the new school year off right.

I so need the marinara sauce of birth, the linguine of growth and the garlic bread of forgiveness for that freaking school supply list.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Press Release

Suburban Diva is partnering with to search America for families to be featured in their own episode of ABC’s SUPERNANNY, premiering its fourth season later this year. (B-List Weblebrities like me are scheduled for season five, so I have a little time to get my act together.)

Casting producers are searching the country to find families from a variety of backgrounds to offer Supernanny Jo Frost the challenge of her career. Interested families who are in need of help with their out of control kids may apply from anywhere via, or moms and dads can call 877/NANNY-TIME (1-877-626-6984). Please be sure to mention Suburban Diva when you apply.

The show is looking for all kinds of families, but currently there’s special interest in: parents with mean girls or bullying boys, teens and pre-teens; families who rely on a nanny or a babysitter who needs help from America’s #1 nanny; parents who are raising their kids on a farm or vineyard; spoiled kids; families with adopted kids; families with multiples such as quadruplets; divorced families where split custody offers particular challenges; and families with obese or overweight kids who would like to establish healthy habits.

So spread the word! Because let’s face it, Supernanny’s parenting advice is probably a lot more practical than mine which can only lead to reform school or some sort of 12-step program.

Monday, August 20, 2007

My new dependents

The painters have been here so long I can claim them on my taxes this year.

I really don't know what's taking so long. After our morning coffee together and after they've gotten the kids dressed and fed, they paint a little. I think. Then we eat lunch together--something Alphonso has prepared--a little recipe from his mother--and then they paint a little more. I think. It's really hot here, so sometimes they do other projects inside where it's cool like changing the air filters or rearranging furniture after we've watched HGTV.

Remember Murphy Brown when she had that painter that never finished? Eldon? I think he was on for like 11 seasons...

Yeah. 11 seasons. This is the longest paint job ever.

And probably the most expensive.

More staples at Staples

Okay, I just spent $43 more this morning on school supplies. That brings the grand total to $18,743.

Those kids better come home every single day with marker stained sleeves and their fingers glued together.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Day the Diva got organized

Or should I say day(s)?

Because for the last three, this cat has made serious progress in home organization.

Admittedly, this isn't my strength. Or maybe it would be if the other members of my household had any inclination toward this goal, but since they do not, it's like pushing a string.

But since the painters have moved everything anyway, I cleaned those things. I put them back in different places. I threw away even more. I started in the family room and worked my way through the boys' rooms. I found $2,000 worth of lost electronics equipment.

And I didn't stop there. Oh no, I figured that since I need no help falling behind, I would start off this school year on the right foot. All of the supplies are purchased. Uniforms are laundered. New shoes, socks and underwear outfit freshly hair-cut boys. I loaded my own nightstand with a dozen new novels, and made every blessed appointment for doctors, dentists, hair stylists and any other professional with a phone.

It's the new me. For the next 24 hours anyway.

Thursday, August 16, 2007


I interrupt this nostalgic blog hiatus to say that I must have been smoking crack yesterday.

Right now, there are 6 boys over for a sleepover. The living room drapes have collapsed with wrestling. Amy is on a holy terror and she and Jingle are biting much to my horror. The painters moved inside, so the family room is unusable. We're on death watch for the old dog. Jessie is dangling from my hip as I apply Band-Aids and Benadryl. There are snacks to be made, drinks to pour and I am never going to sleep tonight.

Perhaps I'll start smoking that crack again.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

An Open Letter to my Blog

Dear Blog;

No, you are not imagining things. I have been ignoring you. But it's not you, it's me.

Oh, I don't know. Sure, it's been busy; crazier than crazy, and I obviously can't talk about a lot, but I can talk about a lot else, yet I just didn't. Why? Maybe I'm just selfish.

First off, the Intern left. We're all a little sad. We gave him a big sendoff party--Interns on the Mediterranean was the theme--because I feel the need to theme every occasion in something irrelevant and stupid--I guess I wanted an excuse to serve lamb and hummus--and all of my friends gave him gifts. It was like a freakin' wedding of one. But it was very nice.

Next, the boys are getting ready to return to school. I hate this. Hatehateithateithateit. Stevie is entering sixth grade. Middle school. And I cannot wrap my head around this. I took him for his physical and weighs nearly as much as I do, and only 3 inches separate us now. He could beat me arm wrestling. I had to buy all adult uniforms and his shoe size is a freakin' 9. And don't even get me started on the cell phone.

Matty is starting second grade. First Communion year. He is such a little goofball, yet he has this serious side that will blow you away. And he has no teeth. 3 of the front 4 are now missing; all due to wrestling injuries. He wants so badly to be a grown up, but he still is soothed by a kiss on a scrape. I love that.

And then there's the little A-Dog. She is talking up a storm. Really amazing progress this summer. Even flirting with potty training. We may have some more surgery this Fall, and maybe hearing aids, but you know, it is really all good. She is just on the verge of exploding, and when she does, she'll be unstoppable.

And amidst all of this, is my perfect baby. Jess turned 4 months this week, and I feel like I am holding on to her infancy for dear life. I am loving every minute of it. She is so good, and so sweet, and no matter how chaotic a day gets, she just flows effortlessly along with it, smiling, drooling,'s heaven. She smiles with her whole little body, and when she falls asleep, it's usually in this warm snoring ball on my shoulder that can't remember what it felt like empty.

The house is in a state of remodel--roofers, painters, new floors in half of the house, and my career is turning into an actual career with bizarre, yet intriguing opportunities every day and I miss my husband--but amidst all of this crazy; this noisy, messy whirl of bottles and toys and unknowns, I feel completely at peace.

And so that's where I've been, Blog. Relishing this last week with them with perhaps a little more over-protection than usual, but unapologetic for it. Happily cooking, cleaning, shopping and begging for more. Falling asleep with the lights on, but dreaming in Technicolor.

So, I'm threading the next few days together with adventure and nostalgia. After I cry a lot and write poetry, I'll send postcards and be back soon.


Tuesday, August 07, 2007


I honestly don't know what this means for us. But I guess we'll spend the next few weeks figuring out the answer.

I'm not worried, I bought $400 worth of school uniforms today.

I just didn't buy anything in long sleeve.

Monday, August 06, 2007


Well, life begins it's new chapter this week. It's actually not a new chapter yet, but a prologue to Chapter 1: Back to School.

And while I dread this particular event, I cannot deny it any longer with vacations, ice cream and sleepovers. I must face the hard truth that school supply shopping is in my future this week.

Along with the requisite lists that seem to grow every year in size and scope, a trip to the uniform store is on the agenda this week. And haircuts. And backpacks and lunchboxes. And shoes--something we haven't worn since May. The next two weeks are littered with shopping, doctor's appointments and room cleaning. Yuck, yuck, and yuckier.

It is also the last full week of the Intern. Another event I dread. He's been here since Jess was 2 weeks old, and since I can't remember life without her, I can't remember life without him. Honestly, by August 20, this house is going to be sooooo quiet. Adding to it, my voice will bounce off the walls there will be so much extra space. I don't know what I'll do with the extra hours on Mondays when not doing the extra loads of laundry.

Speaking of which, he's not gone yet, so I should hop to it.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Why are you yelling at me????

Have you ever had one of those eDays when you felt like every piece of non-verbal communication you received was yelling at you? Like there were implied emoticons of anger or indifference in every email you read? And since you recognized that it was across the board, you recognize with self-awareness that you were probably being a little eSensitive, but still really would appreciate a little LOL or smiley face just to pick you up? Or a forwarded joke? A chain letter would even be appreciated at the moment.


Thursday, August 02, 2007

iAm a Star

Because I know you are dying to know, yes, the little project for HP went smashingly. I will be vlogging about it shortly, and we taped the taping so you can see every blessed detail, but I do want to report this repeating phrase that I heard more than 3 times on the set yesterday, "Oh, Suburban Diva! I've heard of you." That was pure music.

Music that iWill be playing on my iPhone. Because iHave an iPhone now. My wonderful husband surprised me with a token of my future fame gift, and iMust say, iLove my iPhone. iAm the coolest diva on the block now. Pretty soon you'll all get email (or maybe iMail?) that says "Sent from my iPhone." In the iMail there will be maps and videos from YouTube because iCan do that now.

iKnow iAm an iDiot, but an iDiot who can watch movies in the grocery store.