Thursday, November 30, 2006

In the name of the Father,

It's not always easy being a Catholic school Mom during Advent...

Like many of you reading this, I sent my son off today in his makeshift saint costume that we waited until the last minute to complete. Stevie did his report on Pope John Paul II.

Since he was considered the "people's pope," (as well as an 8 language linguist and stellar soccer player, things I learned "helping") I am hoping that His Holiness will forgive his likeness as a table cloth, an old bridesmaid's wrap and Amy's beanie fleece cap serving as his vestments.

My apologies to the Holy Father.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

You're a Seasick Crocodile

I am currently lunching on some amazing Lebanese food that my friend's mother in-law deliciously donated to the Oscar Fetal Weight fund. However, I can't deny that I have a craving for the last can of Who-hash and a slice of roast beast after listening to How the Grinch Stole Christmas 177 times in the car DVD player since Wednesday.

Let this craving not be confused with a 3 decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce that is also mentioned in the film.

(I am 75% done with the shopping, my friends...)

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Pot roast and ultrasounds

Sorry to worry everyone--Oscar and I are fine. A little visit to Atlanta's finest women's hospital confirmed 3 very important things: 1) Oscar is healthy. 2) The contractions didn't do anything this time to progress labor. (Which, as an aside, I paid extra not to go through, remember?) 3) I will eat anything, including hospital pot roast and warm fruit cocktail. Oh yeah, and 4) No more long car trips until the summer of 2007.

So let's throw out some other little tidbits just to lighten the mood, shall we? We could all use a good laugh I'm sure.

*Sean is getting a bucket truck this weekend to put up our Christmas lights. I'm going to be standing (nay, sitting or lying down per doctor's orders) with a camera and a pen writing my next column.

*My doctor just told me to "Listen to my cervix." Hmmmm...Shhhh..let's try to make out what she's saying...I hate you, you fertile bitch. Yep, that's the exact translation.

*Another piece of medical wisdom I got today was that I was doing really well on the weight gain. Only 1/2 of an ounce since last time. I'm on track to fall in the 15-25 pounds total goal. Now the funny part--it's not even December 1 which means Christmas cookies have not been baked and I'm only in month 5. OK, stop laughing now. That egg nog is going to come out of your nose.

*And the biggest joke of all? Bed rest. At Christmas. With 3 kids.

I slay me.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Bed rest

Well, this isn't the Thanksgiving weekend I had in mind.

I'm lying prone in an atlanta hotel waiting for the contractions to stop. I've pretty much destroyed the entire nuclear and extended family's big plans, and now I just wait and watch the clock timing them. This sucks so much, but I guess giving birth at the Hawks game would have sucked more.

I'm going to read my book now--I hope everyone else is enjoying the holiday weekend.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Well, my pretties, we're loading up and heading out early in the morning for a Thanksgiving north. Stevie and Amy both have colds, Matty is getting over his impetigo and I'm having some pre-contractions so the ride should be perfect :). Maybe Sean could have an allergic reaction just to make it a complete family holiday.

Naw, kidding. I am looking forward to this holiday. I hope you all have a very wonderful one as well.

Poll question: Favorite Thanksgiving Food? Mine is pumpkin pie.

Quick Post

Hey--if you are around the tv today, check out the Montel Williams Show. We think is going to get a national mention.

How cool!!!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Come Monday

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays of the year. What could be better than a day dedicated to giving thanks over food and football? Not much in my book.

Since we will be traveling for the holiday, we had a pre-Thanksgiving dinner yesterday with some friends. Very nice day. I am on the third load of dishes with the fourth in the sink waiting since I must use every dish in the house when I make a big meal. The kids are off and it is a freezing cold day so we're huddled around the dishwasher and washing machine in our sweatshirts with hot tea and leftovers.

A perfect Monday if you ask me.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Here I go again

I know I bitch a lot about maternity clothes--and I'm about to do it yet again--but I really do try to help myself every once in a while.

After a recent tragic purchase of a black maternity velour jogging suit which rendered me akin to a beached seal (please someone club me), I decided that there had to be something cooler out there in cyber space. So I went online shopping today and found this cute little maternity boutique that I thought looked promising.

I wasn't put off, er...much, by the pregnancy belly rings; I took out out mine when I was with Amy, but perhaps some women would only want to go through that initial piercing once and therefore keep theirs in all nine months, so who am I to judge? I guess. Anyway, there were a few hip items--relatively speaking--and I even ordered a pair of jeans and a top. However, amongst my rock star wardrobe choices were some rather tastless T-shirts that I wondered who in the hell would order? Bold illustrations of a fetus attached to an umbilical cord. The "Got Milk?" visual. And then, my particular favorite, "Laid down, knocked up." I pictured myself wearing that at the next Catholic school elementary meeting with the kids asking,
"what does that mean, Mommy?" Nice.

Is there a happy medium in between Amish school marm and pole-dancing whore?



Today was the last day of school. Oh happy day. A whole week off from packing lunches and waking up early. I am going to sleep like the dead, my friends. I hope you do, too.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Deadlines, schmedlines

You know, not reading anything but recipes for the last couple of months has made my job as a book reviewer needlessly impossible. This month's column (that's already a day late) is being created from suggestions from friends, really old reads, and thin air.

Maybe I'll get a good book or 2 for Christmas.


Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I second that

I wonder if it's too soon to begin maternity leave for these HOA meetings that can try the patience of Job.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz

I bought a new Mercedes Friday night. I had that new Mercedes stolen less than two hours later.

It was a silver convertible—a two-seater. It would have gotten really great gas mileage, and I only paid $425 for it.

Maybe I should back up. The car in question was a “Baby Benz”—a toy car that I pictured Amy’s curly head sticking out of the top of. I thought would make a great Christmas present when I made my first bid for it at a silent auction charity event we attended on Friday.

I normally don’t spend that much money on auction items, nor do I usually have in interest in anything offered. I find myself making a choice between paying over $100 for a fifty dollar gift certificate to a restaurant I’ve never heard of, or tickets to the Monday matinee of “Oklahoma” at the condemned community theater. “But it’s for a good cause,” I say to appease myself.

The Mercedes was a popular item. More than a few put their name down throughout the evening, and I had to stand sentry several times in increments of $25.

After a few passes of the mini beef Wellingtons trays, my friend put down my name one last time before the bidding was closed, and the Mercedes was mine! Or Amy’s, actually. But it was for a good cause.

I happily plopped my credit card down to purchase the item I had won. Sean helpfully reminded me that the very act of swiping the Amex meant I didn’t “win,” I “bought.”

But it’s for a good cause.

During dinner, we watched a heart-wrenching video about pediatric cancer patients—the cause we were there to support. It really does make you thankful for the blessing of good health when you think about how many who aren’t as lucky. The live auction commenced over Key Lime pie, and Sean held my hand under the table—not out of affection, but to hold my paddle down. We escaped a bidding war for an abstract of John Lennon that went for 20K. My $425 Mercedes was beginning to look like the bargain of the century.

Unfortunately for me, the options on the Baby Benz included a sippy cup holder in place of a Lojack. Because when I went to retrieve the paid car with a receipt, panic overtook the auction staff. It could not be found.

After a brief investigation, it turns out some bitch unabashedly carjacked my Benz. Walked out with assistance, had valet load it into her Benz; knowing full well the entire time that not only did she not pay for it, but she was stealing from kids with cancer.

There is a special place in hell for people like that.

And I don't even feel bad about damning someone there because it's for a good cause.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Do I ever shut up? Ever?

As if I don't have enough blogging going on...I added another one.

This one is different though, I swear. First off, it's more pregnancy related--as if you really want to hear my daily thoughts on that subject--but they are banking on the fact that you (or someone else) will.

So if you really are bored; have already read everything on your nightstand including the bottled water label, then you can read more here. And if you find yourself in the family way (or still have a young one or two) sign up on the site and we can blog together....

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Just say no

My 5th grader had his D.A.R.E. graduation this morning.

Now I am all for drug prevention and awareness and the like--fond of this program I will add--but I couldn't help but wonder how an 11 year old "graduates" from such a thing. Were they going to dip their urine? Blood draws? Field sobriety tests? Perhaps they were going to import gang members from the city and tempt them with an 8 ball of crack? I truly was perplexed over the matter.

Turns out it was just an excuse to read essays and eat donuts.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Hey, remember me?

OK, I admit it--a weakness, a flaw, an Achilles hormone. I've been so blue for the last week, that I've been miserable company. Just down, which I know can be easily attributed to hormones and the like, but that explanation made me even more depressed because it was either such a cliche, or such a helpless admission.

Anyway, there have been a few bright spots over the week that has saved me from total meltdown into the ice cream carton.

1) Amy passed her hearing screening with flying colors. The first time. She's also been mimicking words--something she's never done before--and she's actually trying to sing. This may not seem like a big deal, but she's never done that because she's never heard music properly. Or at least she's never enjoyed it. So that's pretty big.

2)Stevie's party was a big success on Saturday. Everyone had a great time, and there were no claims on the homeowner's insurance, so I claim victory.

3) Through my reluctant sobriety, I have become much more in tune with my inner gambler. I am one of the last contenders in the football pool.

4) My new job starts soon, and in addition to a nice contribution to the family RV fund, they think I'm a big Internet star and are sort of courting me as such.

5) I heard the baby's heartbeat today for the first time, and that is another sweet sound. (I also have only gained 2 pounds, and that makes me irrationally proud. And before you say a word--I am as healthy as a horse, I just won't weigh as much as one.)

6) I never thought midterm elections would please me as much as they have. I am brimming today with patriotism as I await the word from Montana and Virginia, but the ousting of Rumsfeld a few short moments ago might suffice to bring me to total nirvana.

I'm coming back; slowly and with a new waddle to my step, but back nonetheless.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Happy Birthday Stevie!

It is difficult to believe that 11 years ago today would be the last day that I slept the entire night through.

Even more unbelievable is that I will have an 11 1/2 year old and a newborn at the same time...