Friday, February 25, 2005

Rain, Rain Go Away

It seriously hardly ever rains here during the winter. The anchormen muse, “So, will it ever rain again?”

So wouldn’t you know that the day I spend 2 hours straightening my hair, dressing up in impractical shoes and black sequins that it hasn’t stopped pouring?

Of course you would.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Sub D for Kids

As a (hack) humor writer, you would think this would be an easy assignment—but it is proving to be quite challenging and mind-splitting for me.

“Come up with a 500 word funny story for readers age 2-12.”

First off, I don’t know of any 2 year old that can read, let alone sit for 500 words that would simultaneously entertain a 12 year-old—talk about a broad audience.

But if I can find those magical and elusive 500 words, it’s worth $1000.

I think I’ll keep at it.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Sleep, Actually

Why do I do these things to myself?

Quality sleep has pretty much eluded me this week with Sean out of town. I just don't sleep well here by myself. Anyway, last night I could have caught up a little, and almost did, until the 11:00 news blared the hopeful news that the NHL is forging ahead with new talks and the season may be saved after all. Personally and professionally, this news effects our life. We'll see today.

Instead of turning off the TV and finding sweet slumber, I started flipping around and found my new favorite movie of all time, Love Actually. Have you seen this movie? I highly recommend it when you need to laugh and cry at the same time or heal your soul after an unspoken romantic malady. It melts this cynic's heart everytime.

The closing credits brought the clock's strike of two, and by that time the night was shot.

Along with my chances of catching up this weekend, either.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005


It's official--hockey is dead for the season.

Sigh. What a total bummer.

Now I have to go break the news to the kids...

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

We All Scream For Ice Cream

You know I love Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream.

Phish Food and Cherry Garcia are the food of the gods I am convinced.

I love the story of the company’s origins, and have even visited their headquarters in Vermont.

And their politics--obviously--I dig their politics.

But I must admit that I am a bit disappointed with their version of Vanilla Swiss Almond. There’s like 6 almonds in the entire pint.

I know this, because I’ve just destroyed an entire carton digging them out, and now I’m stuck with 7/8 of a pint of mangled plain vanilla.

(I got nothing tonight folks, as you can plainly read.)

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Super Bowl, Baby

Sights and sounds of the Super Bowl….

I was lucky enough to attend Super Bowl XXXIX. Arriving in Jacksonville Saturday evening, we toured the downtown traffic in frigid temperatures and car exhaust. Thousands of different parties and events were being held around the city, including the exclusive Playboy and Maxim parties. The NFL Experience was in full swing, as well as the Pepsi Smash Concert Series, featuring Jo Dee Messina, among others.

The parties continued well into the night, with only a brief respite for breakfast and coffee Sunday morning. We ate at a local hotel which housed many members of the media as well as families of the NFL. The First Celeb Sighting of the Day: The unmistakable Deion Sanders in the lobby.

After lining our stomachs with powdered eggs and cold coffee, we headed over to the Miller Beer Party which was held at the River City Brewing Company. There, we were treated to wonderful food, drink and an intimate performance by Hootie and The Blowfish, who sounded amazing against the backdrop of the St. John’s River, which was lined with yachting tailgaters. I trust newly-nominated to the Hall of Fame, Dan Marino, enjoyed the show as well.

The city was alive on the way to Alltel Stadium. Fans and locals jammed the streets, festive and good- spirited under the bright Florida sunshine. Tailgate parties spilled from cars and RV’s; turning the make-shift parking lots into huge backyard BBQ’s. Vendors sold their wares, (some licensed, some not) and zealots reminded us that “Jesus Saves.” Security was tight, but reasonable, and 90 minutes before kickoff we had little wait to get in.

Unofficially, I’d guess that Eagles fans outnumbered Patriots’ by 2 to 1. Or least they were simply twice as loud. Wigs, Mardi gras beads, face paint, bizarre headgear…all were costumes of fervent fans.

Once inside, celebrities paraded the pre-game show. Former presidents George Bush and Bill Clinton spoke about tsunami relief in Southeast Asia. Gretchen Wilson and Charlie Daniels sang to the arriving crowd. Will Smith introduced the Black-Eyed Peas and John Fogerty before Alicia Keys sang “America the Beautiful.” Michael Douglas announced the impressive military presence in attendance as 3 military planes flew over head.

The game was just as millions of others watched on television, and no one needed a Fox commentary to note the lack of hurry-up offense and non-existent clock management that cost Philly the game.

At the newly-ordained chaste Half-time show, Paul McCartney did his stellar best to maintain this year’s theme of “Bridging the Generations.” Hundreds of dancing youngsters who were not even born when The Beatles burst onto the scene, jumped in rhythmic empathy. Spectators were each treated to seat cushions from Ameriquest Mortgage, which contained our props for the audience participation portion: a color-coordinated card, mini flashlight and personal radio from Sirius Satellite Radio. (And as an aside, I had no idea what spectator artwork we were creating despite the little pre-cut peepholes in our giant cards.)

Fireworks lit up the sky after every touchdown, music poured from speakers as more celebrities and athletes appeared on the Jumbo Trons to the 80,000+ in the stands. It was a night to remember no matter which side of the field you sat on.

Exhausted, freezing, hoarse, and maybe even a little tipsy; we left the stadium amongst the explosions of the confetti cannons and the presentation of the Vince Lombardi Trophy to the New England Patriots. Pats fans chanted, “DYNASTY! DYNASTY!” as others chanted, “AT LEAST WE COVERED.” Whatever gets you through the season, I suppose. Newly-printed championship merchandise flooded the stands, as the spending frenzy continued in earnest.

On the noisy trip back to the bus, we were offered $20 for our ticket stubs which, according to at least one roadside sign, would have fetched $4000 four hours ago.

Perhaps this is where the slogan, “Priceless” was derived.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005


From an email from my pal, "anonymous poster":

"Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fell on the same day.

As Air America Radio pointed out, it is an ironic juxtaposition: one
involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little
intelligence for prognostication and the other involves a groundhog."

(Super Bowl update tomorrow, I promise.)

Thursday, February 03, 2005

I'm Ready!

All set to go to Jacksonville! I can’t tell you—O mysterious blog audience---just how excited I am for this trip.

This will be our third Super Bowl in physical attendance. And as in most years, I have no particular allegiance to either team, but then when has the Super Bowl ever been about football anyway? The crowds, the spectacles, the debacles…big fun on and off of the field.

I also use this opportunity to fulfill one of my more pathetic lifetime goals. Sadly, one of my favorite pastimes is to try to get on camera at major sporting events. I know, I know, it is infantile, but I can’t help it. I’m a whore for the camera.

However, not so much of one that I will malfunction my wardrobe to get on, thank you very much.

Besides, that was so 2004.

(Watch for us!)

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Look Who's Walking!

I can walk! Posted by Hello

Although not quite our preferred method of travel yet, guess who has finally decided to pull that curly head of hers upright?