How to prepare for a snow storm if you live anywhere south of Lake Erie

I have exactly 4.2 minutes to pen this as I have to pick up my children early from school today due to possible snow.

True, it’s currently 65 degrees and sunny outside, but we are expecting 3/8 of an inch of snow later this evening so apparently we must have ample time to prepare. As far as I can see, this includes the following steps and complex processes.

1.) Snow must fall at a faster rate in the south than in the north, because we shut down the state long before the first flake is predicted to fall. If the front is forecasted to move in at 4:00 for example, southerners think this means by 4:02 there will be 8 feet of snow on the ground and all thoroughfares will be rendered immediately impassable.

2.) Roads probably will be rendered immediately impassable because the entire southern hemisphere shares 4 snow plows. Which means instead of actual snow removal, southern departments of transportation "brine" the roads. This mysterious and completely useless process includes salting the roads before any hint of precipitation. You still can’t drive safely on a brined road, but it does cure a mean corned beef.

3.) Do not buy anything useful for impending storms like snow shovels, road salt or margarita mix--buy bananas. Bananas have scientifically unproven and unfounded effects on all weather events, but make us feel better, much like a meteorological magnet bracelet that golfers wear or pajama jeans.

(If you can’t find bananas at your grocery store, [and you won’t because they will be sold out] you may substitute milk and/or Wonder Bread.)

4.) Be sure to drop the words black ice in a hushed tone at least 10 times in every conversation. When you question why school is closed for the 8th day in a row when we’re mowing the lawn, wait for the look of horror and the words black ice spat out to you like an exorcism. Just for fun, say, "But it’s above freezing outside." In response, get the sneered, "But that’s what makes it so dangerous, you can’t see black ice. Moron." Answer, "Then how do you know it’s there?"

5.) Lose all the new friends you worked so hard to make in the fall.

6.) For every inch of snow predicted, the negative amount will actually accumulate.

7.) On the day of the anticipated storm, watch for the school closings reeling along the bottom of your television screen. This is actually a complete waste of time, because if one school closes, every single learning institution and dry cleaner will follow within the hour.

(Except my son’s elementary school that must have administrators from Nunavut and won’t cancel school unless the students’ desks are frozen shut and they used up all the butane on freeing up the chalkboard erasers.)

8.) And speaking of watching television, the Channel 5 doppler radar in Nashville, Tennessee has the prognosticating capabilities of Nostradmous. It is capable of crippling an entire municipal government at the mere mention of the white stuff weeks before in a 5 p.m. newscast. People unwaveringly entrust their entire lives to what that computer graphic depicts. It can not only predict snow, but the next 10 Super Bowl and Idol winners. (Which kind of begs the question why aren't the folks at NOAA tuned into this super, southern-exclusive technology? Or at least the KGB and ESPN.)

9.) If any snow actually makes it to the ground, it will certainly melt before the 4th hour of the Today Show. After your kids make mud men, mud-gloos and have mudball fights, you may want to rethink that big pot of chili served in front of the fire for dinner. Serve popsicles and ice water instead.

10.) Make banana bread for dessert.

First attempt to take over the world. Or at least North America

We are now in our 3rd day of hosting our Canadian exchange students, and I think it's going fairly well.

We really don't have a whole lot of time together--during the day they are busy seeing the sights of Nashville and eating at chain restaurants, and I really only have bonding time to and from hockey games. So far we've discusses the crazy large amount of churches here and the local liquor laws, which I swear they initiated, not me. (Not appropriate for 11th graders.) I have tried to steer the conversation toward country music star stalking and pushing my own personal agenda to take over the world.

And then I realized I had no such agenda but I didn't want to miss this once in a life time opportunity so I made one up: McPudding and Ordinal Numbers.

First off, I've noticed they don't use ordinal numbers often so I've helpfully put them in bold throughout this post to show how helpful they are in verbal and written expression. You're welcome, Canada.

Secondly, If you don't know the McPudding story basically my husband orders the fictitious McPudding at every McDonald's he visits in hopes to get it on the menu. He believes it is his legacy for our children. This drives me insane since it requires an extra long explanation at the drive-thru and fits of laughter from the back seat. So I thought that perhaps our Canadian friends could take up this cause and then it would truly be a global effort.

But then I realized "pudding" means something totally different in traditional, non-American English cuisine and has precious little to do with Bill Cosby and more to do with Yorkshire and figgy.

Which is totally gross and not at all in keeping with the true spirit of the McPudding movement.

So it looks like McPudding will eventually remain a strictly state-side national treasure.

You're welcome, Canada.

Honey, you shouldn't have

The traditional gift for the nineteenth wedding anniversary is bronze.

My husband got me a fish tank.

He pointed to goldfish swimming in the corner, and said, “See? This one looks sort of bronze.”

I think it was more of a Ph imbalance in the tank causing the discoloration, but I digress. The point is we are not fish people. We had a brief and tragic experience with a beta we won at a carnival after which our fishing license was permanently revoked. I’m having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my husband doesn’t know me AT ALL after two decades to warrant such an inappropriate gift. If he’s going to spend $350 on something that swims, it better be my bar tab at the pool bar at the JW Marriott.

He gave me the line, “but this is something the kids can take care of on their own,” which upon uttering hundreds of angelfish shuddered and lost their fins.

To their credit, they tried. The toddler “fed” the fish. By dumping the entire contents of the fish food bottle into the tank. This put visibility at .06 millimeters and a toxic glow emitting from the glass.

So we cleaned it. And by we, I mean me. Removing the ceramic Spongebob housing which must have recently gone co-op since all of the fish hid inside the pineapple under the sea, I proceeded to empty, rinse, and repeat before putting the fish back into the tank, ignoring my instinct to put them out of my misery by flushing them into the Cumberland river.

While the water was somewhat improved, it was still slightly gauzy, so I decided to buy another fish--one that is biologically engineered to clean tanks such as this. Choking back the vomit that had formed in the back of my mouth at the mere thought of this, I went back to the fish store and got said cleaner fish. And another bottle of food flakes.

The check-out girl said, “You have goldfish, eh?”

“Yes. Very dirty goldfish.”

She nodded in agreement. “You know they go a lot.”

“Excuse me?”

“Ah, defecate? Goldfish defecate a lot more than other fish.”

Another choke back of bile. “Really? I thought maybe mine just had overactive colons--I was going to tell them to lay off the bran muffins.”

After scolding me for feeding my fish baked goods, I went home and dumped the cleaner fish into the dump. Of, ahem, dump.

A more cynical wife might say that my husband got me scat for our anniversary, but I’d like to think it was unintentional.

Besides, with next year being our twentieth and the traditional gift of china, I don’t want him buying me a panda.

We all know what they do in the woods.


(Cross-posted at Suburbandiva.com)

Our foreign exchange students. Ish.

In the same vein as when people tell me they're going on a "mission trip" to Paris or Tahiti, we're hosting two foreign exchange students.

From CANADA!

Only it's not really an exchange, because I'm not sending anyone. And they technically aren't students since they aren't going to school here, they are playing hockey. And it doesn't last a semester, only 5 days.

So really it's just driving around high school hockey players for a week and washing their jerseys.

Which I do everyday, so that's really not foreign in any sense of the word.

Which means this experience isn't nearly as exotic as it was when I began this post, so never mind.

I write the songs that make the whole world sneeze

Because I had the unmitigated gaul to post this little diddy on not knowing the difference between the cold and the flu, the germ gods decided to give me both illnesses back to back.

I hate the germ gods.

On my two day hiatus in between the sickies, we managed to make it down to Tampa for a concert and for some sun fun. While I don't think I'm much of a Barry Manilow fan, I am a fan of the friends I got to spend the weekend with. I miss them and how much they make me laugh.

I would write here that I am back at my lame attempts to getting on a schedule and in a Tennessee routine, but I think we all know that's a big lie and I could sue myself for libel. We've had more snow days, another couple of trips planned and more visitors on the way. Life is day-to-day, hour-by-hour, snow fall to snow fall, and germ god blasphemy to germ god blasphemy.

1001

Post 1,001 and the first of 2011. EIther I talk too much or not enough. Or a little of both.

Since last we blogged, we were invaded, partied, and were abandoned by 50 Tampaites who braved the ice and snow and snow and ice to ring in 2011 with us. It was such a wonderful week of non-stop partying, that we have yet to recover. We didn't venture out much--some hockey games and restaurants--but instead spent our days and nights hanging out old school style with games and food and drink. I don't think a more perfect week could have been planned.

They left, and we all got sick. We spent our first week back to school with varying attendance and doctor's visits, and by Friday half of us were on antibiotics and the other half was hacking away. (I wrote about that sickness here.) We took down the Christmas decorations (my least favorite job of the year) and otherwise tried to put things back in place.

We still haven't gotten back into a routine--we were hit with a few inches of snow on Monday that shut down the entire town except for my kids' schools. Seriously, on Tuesday every school in the state of Tennessee was closed and only our kids had to go to school. The public schools are still out today. I am trying to console them by explaining that they will appreciate this at the end of the year when they don't have any days to make up, but when you're staring at a snow day, all summer bets fly out the window.

And so the two weeks of 2011 are still incubating, waiting to shape up after we finish digging, thawing and straightening ourselves out.

Our first country Christmas

Relatively speaking, we didn't have any relatives over Christmas, so it was a fairly quiet one for us. Either that, or I'm just used to our family's noise...

Christmas Eve started with 4:00 Mass with the rest of the greater Nashville area. Although we managed to get 6 seats together, we did have to watch and hear the news of our dear Savior's birth via closed-circuit television.

Afterward, we headed over to P.F. Chang's because as Matty said, "Nothing says Christmas like Chinese food." but in Tennessee on Christmas Eve, you're not getting a whole lot of open dining choices. But it turned out to be a beautiful and delicious meal, and absolutely perfect to be all together enjoying our first Christmas in our new town.

As we were leaving, the rain turned into the most beautiful snow--the frosty beginnings of Nashville's first white Christmas in 17 years.

By this time, Norad (the best website EVER) reported that Santa was in North AMerica and we had just enough time to get cookies ready, The Night Before Christmas read, and the little ones in bed. Not that they stayed there--the girls stayed up after midnight which made it a particularly late evening for the elves. (The upside is that I got Sean addicted to my new television guilty pleasure: Clean House.)

We got up a few minutes later as the kids rustled up at 6, and then the next few hours we leisurely tore open our gifts and enjoyed our day in our p.j.'s. Santa was very good to us--even bringing us a "golf cart," which will have to be renamed since we won't be playing golf in it. Naps by the fire followed by dinner of prime rib, Yorkshire pudding and my first homemade Yule log finished off the day. It snowed and was a perfect Christmas.

It's a good thing we got all of that quiet out of the way, because starting tomorrow, 50 of our Florida friends invade the Volunteer State for some New Year's celebrations.

I can't wait.

In case you missed my column today...

Although I don't exactly plan it this way, it seems that I am forever destined to be a last- minute shopper at Christmastime.

Instead of complaining, I've resigned myself to my fate and now look at the glass of eggnog as half-full.

So I share with you the Top 6 Reasons Procrastinating Shoppers Rule:

1.) Camaraderie. There's nothing like bonding with other last-minute folks. Everyone is so joyful on December 23rd, it's like one big CheerFest at the register at Lowe's, we even give each other special waves in the parking lot while searching for a spot. Just yesterday as a kindly old man and I reached for the last Shrek Chia Pet on the shelf, he mumbled something about me being similar to his sainted (and apparently promiscuous) mother. The holidays are all about family.

2.) It's more polite. Gift-giving becomes a kinder, gentler process when you're dealing with limited selections. I don't see Uncle Albert as the 4XL guy he is--I like to look at the inner-Albert and get him that reindeer sweater in a boy’s medium.

3.) Creativity. Anyone can fill a gift list from a major retailer. But it takes an industrious soul to buy presents for the whole family at 7-11. (Those WWE Slurpee cups are refillable and collectible, Grandma. You’re welcome.)

4.) Does every holiday tradition have to be taken so literally? I mean who's to say that figgy pudding isn't a suspicious-looking Snack Pack at the gas station and that among the various meats in Spam Christmas goose isn't one of them?

5.) To keep the balance of the universe in check. While the annoyingly prepared are shopping at 3 am on Black Friday for 98% off the hottest toys of the season, I'm shopping at 11pm on Christmas Eve paying double for the crap no one wanted. It's the circle of life or something like that.

6.) It's more eco-friendly. There is no such thing as a giftbox for your purchase after December 1st since those have long run out. In a pinch I have been known to wrap socks in Frosted Flake boxes and Snuggies in Ziploc bags. It’s my gift to Mother Earth.


To my fellow procrastinators: Merry Christmas. To all those who have finished their shopping and are enjoying this week relaxing before a fire?

Here’s that special parking lot wave.


©2010 Tracey Henry


(And in case you also missed some updates on Whoa Momma.

Snow Days

We had our first of many last week. On Monday, we got hit with about 4 inches legit of snow. My kids immediately went sledding despite having not much snow, not much hill and not much sled. It was fun nonetheless.

We played in it, and then came inside to hot cocoa and cookie baking. It was really beautiful, cozy and very Norman Rockwell-esque.

Until you had to drive in it.

Now I am a salt-seasoned driver. I learned to drive on the potholed roads of lower Michigan--a slippery, slushy, snowy mess nine months out of the year. You can't get your driver's license there without knowing how to successfully navigate icy roads and scrape your windshield with a cassette cover.

I had this.

Until I realized that the state of Tennessee doesn't own snow plows. Or salt trucks. No, the only tool they have in their snow-removal arsenal is the sun, with the hope it melts the white stuff on the ground by rush hour.

It doesn't.

Tennesseans are quick to tell you that this is out-of-the ordinary weather for them--that it almost NEVER snows here at all, and if it does, it certainly never sticks.

Tennesseans are liars. Because although they are really wimpy about the snow, they were not surprised by it. And the hardware store on the corner sold snow shovels.

I rest my case.

A gift

My letter to Santa and a giveaway just in time for Christmas.

Get on it.

I lied

Okay, I suck at plans.

But I have a good excuse. We just finished a week's worth of company and 10 overnight guests for Thanksgiving.

I'm not complaining--you know I love Thanksgiving and I love people around to help ease into this new life, but I won't lie--I'm zausted. And I have yet to find my groove.

But I'm trying.

We actually got a lot of the Christmas decorations up this weekend, which was a little frustrating to unpack more stuff while re-packing up some of the things I just unpacked, but what are you going to do? It's Christmas.

I'm finding that everything takes me twice as long to do. First off, I still don't know where everything is supposed to go, so picking up is a daylong chore. I have a grocery store, but I have to backtrack through the aisles because it isn't laid out the same as my Publix at home. I get lost a lot.

And the stairs are kicking my ass. Firming up my calves, but kicking my ass.

If it sounds like I'm whining, but I'm really not. I'm just still searching for that groove thing and I'm hoping it's not up or downstairs....

Thanksgiving week!

In honor of Thanksgiving, my most favorite day of the year, and the simultaneous celebration of no more workers in my house for a little while, I'm dedicating this week's blog to passing on helpful tips to help you celebrate this week in style, comfort and maybe some free gifts.

So, Monday's Blog Deal of the Day comes from SkinMedica, and it's a special Friends and Family coupon code you can use for Black Friday specials and on to December 1st. I am an online Black Friday and Cyber Monday shopper, so this is my perfect deal.

Use Friends and Family Coupon* Code: FF25 to save 25% on your purchases at SkinCareRx, and start giving to friends, or yourself.

Two Weeks

We've officially been Nashvillians for two weeks now. It's not nearly as sinister as it sounds.

We got that first week of school in, which was a big step and a successful one, I'm happy to report. I think we can all breathe a little easier now that that's over. We still need to get into a routine, but we'll get there. Stevie is already on the hockey team and feeling well, and the little ones are meeting new friends.

On the housefront, almost all of the boxes are now unpacked, and with the exception of the garage and storage rooms in the basement, pretty much set up. Tomorrow the last of the various service people come to fix the last of the broken things. God willing. No longer planning my entire day around service calls will be a much needed reprieve. It seems like that's been the agenda since August.

And next week is another fun one to look forward to. We've got tons of family coming in for Thanksgiving, and we are dining at the governor's mansion on Tuesday. I even found a babysitter so Jessie won't be swinging from chandeliers and otherwise causing an international incident.

Because that would be a little sinister for my little Nashvillian.

Suburban/Urban/Rural Diva

It's a funny place where I live now.

The neighborhood couldn't be more suburban--we've got neighbors that show up with baked goods and an HOA. But we are also 10 miles from the city limits, and when I drive the kids to school I pass at least five sprawling horse farms on the way.

It's hilly--there are hills and valleys that I'm not used to in flat Florida. The colors are vibrant and not just various shades of green. And while nothing can compare to the beauty of the Gulf, it is definitely a pretty place to live. I miss the water in Florida, but in Florida I realize now that I missed the trees.

I'm trying to find my way here--literally and figuratively; but mostly literally. I like turning off the GPS which is so unhelpful at times, and just driving around getting the lay of the land. It doesn't help that every road is called something Pike, but we'll figure it out.

The kids started school yesterday, and they are all loving it so far. People are extremely friendly here, and with exception of things breaking and repairmen here every day, it's been a very nice week to get acclimated to Nashville life. I've got about 80% of the boxes unpacked, and hopefully by the end of the weekend, most things will be hung on the wall for all of the Thanksgiving guests to look at when they're eating their turkey.

Friends

I was having one of those really tough moving days that you know are bound to come along but still piss you off nonetheless, when a neighbor stopped by just as I spilled an entire chocolate shake in the car. She has a first grade daughter born a day after A-Dog and she brought a gift.

She said she was debating between the gourmet cupcakes and a bottle of wine.

She chose the cupcakes but said she almost picked the champagne-flavored variety.

I almost kissed her on the mouth, but didn't want to scare her off on the first day.

Maybe I could get used to this after all....

Nashville

We are here.

It wasn't easy, and we are all exhausted and cold, but all are present and accounted for in Music City.

I can't begin this next chapter of entries without first acknowledging the fact that I have the world's greatest friends who made it particularly difficult to leave. I miss them already. But if any of them are reading this now and considering sending me a care package of oranges, please include slippers and Chapstick because I don't know if I'll die from scurvy or frostbite because it's freaking cold here!

And just so you know that I haven't changed in the last 48 hours since surrendering my Florida residency, you'll be pleased to know that I am still wearing my cheesy black flip flops as my footwear. Not so much out of protest, but because the movers seemed to have misplaced the box that all my shoes are packed in. Normally, I wouldn't mind these missing articles, but since it's 28 degrees here and I'm supposed to be attending the CMA's tomorrow night, I'm a little concerned. Dude, I seriously can't be walking the red carpet in the $2.50 Old Navy bin specials.

Other than that, things are going well. Ish.

I've discovered that I'm waking up before 6 every morning here, but then exhausted and ready for bed by 7:30. I also have learned that I hate unpacking as much as I hated packing, which doesn't bode well for the next couple of weeks.

The neighborhood is quiet, but we did have some visitors today which was encouraging. I'm still waiting for some homemade cookies or BBQ to show up on the doorstep.

The kids are doing well--they, too are confused on these things people use around here called "clothes" and "closed-toed shoes." It's going to be a tough adjustment.

But Jingle likes the weather. She seems to be particularly dog-like here, running in the backyard and molesting the native wildlife, including the dogs next door.

I hope to post some pictures of the sparkly events tomorrow night, but watch for me on tv. I'll be the one in flip flops and earmuffs.

Hello November

It's pretty sad when I leave on a post like that and then fade away.

Stevie's surgery went well. Although it wasn't what we thought, it still required the same surgery, so we are thankful we found it in time and were able to take care of it so soon.

And now, we move.

The movers are here and if I'm not typing furiously, they will pack this computer along with everything else in this house. It's amazing that it took me 3 months to pack 20 boxes, and they have my whole house boxed in 8. They are actually ahead of schedule, so we will be on the road to our new digs fairly soon.

But until then, we celebrate Stevie's 15th birthday feeling a little more humbled and much more blessed.

Happy Birthday, my Old Soul.

An unexpected break in the action

I'm not going to lie, yesterday was not my favorite day. But tomorrow may just top it in its craptastickness.

It seems as though Stevie's heart condition--the screaming hydra-Medusa pathway--is back, and surgery is scheduled tomorrow. Three days before the moving truck is scheduled to arrive, we discovered that the WPW has returned and must be dealt with immediately.

It sort of puts things into perspective.

Things are going to get packed that shouldn't. Things are going to be disorganized for a while. I'm going to forget something somewhere, and I'll never get to all of those things on my To Do List.

Oh well.

Somehow things just got a little quieter around here just when it should be crunch time.

Mom's Breakfast Club

In the midst of all of the packing, I took a fast break. Or rather, a breakfast with my friends.

Kellogg treated us to a breakfast last week, and it certainly was a treat. I made several of the recipes on their website, and seven friends shared a morning talking. Mostly about how crazy our mornings are even when we’re not in the midst of a move, and how no one ever raves about how smoothly morning routines are when you’re constantly on the go. We discussed nutrition and food in general and received a lot of great tips from Kellogg and pretty awesome goody bags as well.

You can read about all of their tips here, but a couple highlights from our party included:

~If your child doesn’t like milk, try a granola parfait with lowfat yogurt and fresh fruit. This is one of Amy’s favorites.

~While breakfast may be the most important meal of the day, we often have cereal after dinner on nights when we ate early and the kids are still looking for something substantial and nutritious to eat.

~For a quick on the go breakfast, don’t discount muffins. If you make them yourself, you can control what goes in them. These blueberry-bran were particularly yummy.

So love your cereal! We sure did.

(More photos to follow after I resolve my never-ending camera issues. With yet another new camera. With new issues.)

Tips to share

New article up on Whoa Momma with tips on preventing MRSA.

See? I am still working.