Sunday, April 23, 2006

Diva Weekend--Chapter 1

Well, we're back.

Let me recreate the 2 days in the Keys for you in loving, rich detail, complete with a pictorial of events and moods...

As you are aware from our last episode, I, and 3 friends (Janet, her husband Todd, and Sue) made a road trip down to Key Largo for my first book signing/radio show.

After leaving early Thursday morning, we made the 5 hour car trip down south. Easy drive--Sue had the horrific task of accompanying me and my neuroses, as I was so freaking nervous about this radio interview.

Part of it was that I had absolutely no idea what to expect. Details--much like clothing, sobriety and clocks--are scarce in the Keys. So I had no idea if I was to prepare with a dossier of wit and one-liners for hours of diva amusement, or if I was going to be given two seconds to spit out the title of my book and an ill-timed crack in my voice. I made Sue shoot possible questions to me across Alligator Alley while trying to remember Sean's (a seasoned radio veteran) advice.

I had a few minutes once we arrived to change and throw-up at the hotel before getting on to the show which was at a restaurant/bar on the water. Here is a picture of the view from my room:



I didn't have much trouble finding the place, but there were 3 other bars I had to walk through before finding mine at the back of the restaurant on a deck on the water. I had no idea if I was in the right place, as there was no equipment, no obvious show biz types, no satellite station or anything else I thought might be required for broadcast. A small banner across the palm-thatched roof said "The Turtle Club Radio Show," but it could have just blown in from the last hurricane and no one bothered to take it down yet.

So I waited. I waited for my friends, and I waited for some clue that I was in the right spot, as all of my prep work in the car began to melt under the blazing sun. But pretty soon, an old sailor-looking guy pulled out a black suitcase looking thing, and four microphones which he set up on a plastic lawn table, complete with several bottles of Budweiser.

This was the show. And I was even more scared than before.

All of a sudden, there was a flurry of activity, as people began to arrive--no additional staff mind you--but friends and other bar patrons. The bookstore owner also arrived, with whom I then found out would be accompanying me on the radio. Whew. At least I wouldn't be alone, I thought.

Lack of company would not be a further fear of mine for the entire trip--least alone this radio show. In addition to the two DJ's, the store owner, and a very-nervous me--Janet and Sue got to accompany me at the table. Here's me pre-show--thank goodness the camera didn't capture the bile that is forming in my throat.



But a funny thing happened as I sat there trying to listen carefully to the questions, or some sort of never-uttered instructions...I relaxed. I relaxed just a little bit to enjoy this moment of talking about something I sure do know a lot about--my life--and even though he didn't ask many questions that I had anticipated or rehearsed, I answered well; and I was witty, and dare I say, at times, even quite charming.




It went on for quite some time.



I have no idea how long it lasted or what I said, but my friends lied and said I was great, and the DJ said I was, "a natural."

A natural what, I don't know, but I'll take it as a compliment.

The evening continued with music, food, drinks and wonderful conversation in an outdoor bar on the sea.




Don't miss tomorrow's episode which includes highlights from the signing and trip home such as a flat tire and rye toast.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

6 Candles in the Wasabi...

Our little Matty is 6....

The party at the final regular game of the season was a huge success. Just what every 6 year old birthday should be made of: hockey, a suite, sushi, and beer. Oh well, at least the parents of the assembled guests had fun. Matty did too, complete with a ride on the Zamboni.




And, of course, his siblings are seasoned veterens of the hockey birthday party.



And tomorrow, we are off to the Keys for our little book signing/radio show. The latter which I am a tad nervous about. I just don't know if I can be charming and witty on command.

Well, of course I can.

Happy weekend everyone, I'm on island time now...

Monday, April 17, 2006

This Week

Easter may have been yesterday, but this week is significant for 3 other reasons:

1) Matty’s birthday is Wednesday, party tomorrow, and so the perpetual countdown that has occurred over the last 11 months will end soon, and the new one will begin. 2 days until I’m 6…one day until I’m 6…364 days until I’m 7…

2) Bathing Suit season begins. I hate this time of year.

3) My starvation diet officially ended yesterday when after an amazing Easter dinner I shoved the last piece of apple pie with a jelly bean chaser after Big Love last night.

4) #2 and #3 should never be simultaneous events.

Happy Easter.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Mysteries Solved

The following startling mysteries were solved tonight at dinner with 16 other divas and 432 margaritas:

1)My blog audience was more clearly defined. (Hi Bern and Kathy...)

2)The urban myth I've been perpetuating and my lame "brush with fame" story about a lead singer of a popular 70's band being the mother of a fellow student at the school is completely untrue. (Damn, now I'll have to retell the one about the drummer from The Who--again.)

3)Catholic school elementary teachers have as impressive of livers as those belonging to the room moms. (You go, girls.)

4)We are going to have to hire full-time sober nannies for the Palm Island trip this year. It could get very ugly.

5) Our husbands and children will go hungry at Palm Island this year, because cooking does not seem to be on the agenda.

6)If Suburban Diva is the biggest celebrity we know, we all need to get out more.

7)The whereabouts of some truly embarrassing photos are now known. (I will burn them.)

8)My sons are ladies men. (I knew about #1 son--it's #2 I'm having a tough time believing.)

9) I have "The Talk" to look forward to next year, which is already making my mouth dry and palms sweat. (Maybe this should be sooner--see #8)

10) We'll miss our dear friend, Lynn. Best of luck to you and your family.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Mary Lou Retton I am Not

Yesterday, at Baby Gymnastics--futile exercise (literally) in Baby Diva energy harnessing--I ran off to snag her before she could complete the emergency room visit portion of her floor routine. As I did, I tripped over my own graceless feet, and ended up doing quite an impressive tumble of my own, with the exception of a rather sloppy dismount which had me face down on the mat in front of the other 2 year-old participants and their mothers who held up binary number cards in judgment. I was mortified, but picked myself up and continued toddler pursuit.

However, today, I realize that the result of not sticking that landing are black and blue arms that feel as though they are going to fall off. I seriously cannot get over how much they hurt considering that I carry a 30 pound weight around for 14 hours a day and those muscles should be in much better shape.

Matthew, in his Kindergarten sweetness held my right arm in his sticky fingers (which I bit my lip not to show the excruciating pain) the entire way to his baseball game reassuring that, "We'll take of you until Monday, Mom."

I wonder what happens on Tuesday?

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Secret Book Review

I could never recommend this selection en masse in my column amongst the pretty people, however I must exalt this somewhere, and I know the likes of whom read this...

The Crimson Petal and the White, by Michael Faber is so wickedly delicious in a beautifully perverse way. I hate to give away even one of its 900+ pages, however, but to sum up, it is a brilliant tale of prostitution in higher English society in the 1870's.

Huh? But how could this subject matter captivate us, Trace?

Oh, it can. And it will.

If you are not easily offended (which again, I daresay anyone reading this is not) then sink in to this tome.

Grrrrr....

You know that phrase, "If you want anything done right, you have to do it yourself?"

Well, no matter how true it is, it still makes it no less annoying.

Good Thursday to you.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Outings

Last night I attended another Book Club meeting, where my friends kindly and pitifully chose my book for their respective clubs to read. As a member of various book clubs over many years, I fully realize that this is an act of mercy and novelty on my behalf. I accept this no less graciously than if I were James Frey incarnate.

So last night, I was treated to dinner out at a restaurant (with a full bar) and a friendly crowd who were very complimentary and complete liars, but I appreciate these evenings more than anyone can know. What has stricken me particularly is that people love to share their stories, and if the only thing that comes from this endeavor is someone feeling a little more comfortable sharing theirs, well, and then it was all worth while.

In a not-so ingratiating task, I have begun to select summer camp activities for the boys. Don’t give me that look! Not sleep away camp or anything so creepy—just little day trips to Busch Gardens and make your own pottery studios for a couple of hours. So I have some information materials spread out on the table and I am reading the titles of fun aloud.

Stevie: Oooh!! I want that one! “Eskimo Camp!”

Me: Not Eskimo camp, Basketball camp. (I have a cold. A very bad one, apparently.)

Stevie: Obviously disappointed he won’t be building igloos and clubbing baby seals in June in Florida. Oh, well then how about Volleyball Camp?

Me: Sorry, that the same week as you will be going to the camp at a country club.

Stevie:He’s rolling his eyes just like you are now… Oh great! What am I supposed to do there all day?

Me: Well, I think that’s ascot-tying lessons day. Maybe we can sign you up for the deluxe extended session to include “Paper-Mache with 100 dollar bills” and “Servant Trashing Talking 101!”

Whose kid is he?




P.S. Amy’s next scheduled hearing test isn’t until April 25, so I am taking the time off from worrying until then. (It’s exhausting, I tell you.)

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Happy Birthday

Mom. She would have been 60 today. We're having cupcakes in her honor.

However, a not-so nice present of a phone call from the accountant (on a Sunday, that can never be good) alerting us that we owe a ginormous amount of money this year, despite my best efforts in losing so much and or not making squat with my writing career.

Friday, March 31, 2006

New Digs

A couple of weeks ago, I received notification of the approval of my trademark for Suburban Diva; ownership papers, if you will. Yes, I own her.

This got me to thinking of the difference between she and I; me and that which I created many years ago. The column on Backwash and the book are all her. Her outrageousness, her outspokenness, her fearlessness.

But perhaps this blog, is not hers. Perhaps this is the place for Tracey; the imperfect, the flawed, the Lois Lane in the Hall of Justice.

So with that outlook, and an extreme blog makeover, I begin anew on this eve of April.

See you soon.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Short Hiatus

Just need a little time to gather my wits about me, so I am relieving myself of all blogging duties for a little while while I do that.

All is well, I assure you--we are back on track after a little slip, I just can't help but breathe misery and depression into this little outlet, and that just shouldn't be.

So, I'll check back with you soon--have some fun, will ya?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

It's 80 degrees and I cannot get warm.

Oh, Amy...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Yeah, Yeah, I know

I know, you can't post something like that and then go away for a week without an update.

I can.

I can because I just don't feel ready to talk about it yet. Tomorrow morning we are back at the hospital for another test, today I await a return call from 2 different doctors, and I still can't shake that moment of the therapist signing to her out of my head. At that precise moment, the problem which I knew existed for quite some time deteriorated from, Amy doesn't talk, to Amy doesn't hear. I've been wistful for a year that she's never said, "Mommy," or "I love you," but that was the moment when it occurred to my idiot self that she hasn't heard me say it.

And I cry again.

But that won't do either of us any good, so I'll tell you of my newest habit.

I've been taking long evening walks for months now after the kids are in bed when Sean's schedule allows. It seems that clearing out my head late at night and a little exercise is rather helpful to my inner being. Sometimes I would write stories in my head. Or I would work out a problem or think. Or even cry in the dark.

Well, lately, I've picked up the pace--literally--and started running. It's a whole different feeling. You can't think about anything but your lungs burning and your heart seizing. For the first time I have some blessed nothingness where I can really turn off my brain function for a minute.

I think this is good, actually.

But it's Tuesday, and I am ready for an evening sabbatical. A little strength for tomorrow, my pretties.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Heart break

Baby Diva failed her second hearing test today.

Not a surprise--I was expecting it. We were sitting in the examination room, and there were two therapists administering the test. They evaluated the way she responded to different sounds.

They were kind and able women, you knew that they had obviously worked extensively with hearing impaired children. At one point during the test, Amy was sitting in my lap with earpieces in, and the lady was speaking to her, and out of habit, she signed to Amy as she spoke.

My heart broke into a million pieces then.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

How does it feel?

It's such a roller coaster ride. You're either exhilarated at the top or crashing terrified to the bottom only to climb up again after you've thrown up.

Friday, March 10, 2006

We are nothing if not true Floridians

Taken a week apart:

In our element.





Out of it.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

My Newest Idiotic Pleasure

Cheap Seats, on ESPN.

OMG.

Too freaking funny.

Monday, March 06, 2006

My book was on the Today Show!

Okay, maybe not in the comfy confines of the NBC studios being hailed by Katie, Matt or Al, but my very dear friend did manage to get not only the cover shown on the outside crowd shot, but delivered to Ms. Couric herself as she stood outside.

It's these messages in the bottles that you throw out there with the small hope that they will wash ashore somewhere...

And in other news...

The party on Friday night was a smashing success, and I am truly humbled by the turnout and support of some truly wonderful friends. This has been an amazing ride, one that I will cherish forever no matter what happens from here.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

A Literary Review

This is the text message I received on my phone this morning from my darling nephew, D:

Done with the book, it was really good. I didn't realize you drink so much.

A little subtext I wish he didn't pick up on.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

How cool--or how hot--is this?

Well, I've secured my first book signing.

I have to chuckle because it is not the obvious and convenient local Barnes and Noble nor the Tampa Borders; but rather it is a small independent bookstore in the Keys--as quirky as SD herself.

So, April 20-21, if all goes according to plan, I will be somewhere in the Keys not caring whether or not I sign a single copy since, well, I'll be in the Keys.

Cover to Cover Books
Tavernier Towne Shopping Center
MM 91.2, BS, 91272 Overseas Hwy., Tavernier, FL 33070