Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Yeah, Yeah, I know

I know, you can't post something like that and then go away for a week without an update.

I can.

I can because I just don't feel ready to talk about it yet. Tomorrow morning we are back at the hospital for another test, today I await a return call from 2 different doctors, and I still can't shake that moment of the therapist signing to her out of my head. At that precise moment, the problem which I knew existed for quite some time deteriorated from, Amy doesn't talk, to Amy doesn't hear. I've been wistful for a year that she's never said, "Mommy," or "I love you," but that was the moment when it occurred to my idiot self that she hasn't heard me say it.

And I cry again.

But that won't do either of us any good, so I'll tell you of my newest habit.

I've been taking long evening walks for months now after the kids are in bed when Sean's schedule allows. It seems that clearing out my head late at night and a little exercise is rather helpful to my inner being. Sometimes I would write stories in my head. Or I would work out a problem or think. Or even cry in the dark.

Well, lately, I've picked up the pace--literally--and started running. It's a whole different feeling. You can't think about anything but your lungs burning and your heart seizing. For the first time I have some blessed nothingness where I can really turn off my brain function for a minute.

I think this is good, actually.

But it's Tuesday, and I am ready for an evening sabbatical. A little strength for tomorrow, my pretties.

1 comment:

Jodi said...

...but don't we know Amy's life is rich and full and not lacking because love can be felt better than heard