Friday, August 24, 2012

Obituary for Dancer the Hamster

Dancer the Hamster died of unknown causes recently. 

Dancer, parents unknown but somehow related to Harry Houdini, gift to Suburban Diva and bane of her existence, torturer to dog Jingle, forgotten responsibility of Amy and Jessica, and worst idea ever to Sean; passed (seemingly through a hole in the wall) in late April after a brief visit from a neighbor child who left the cage door open.

Originally from Petsmart, Dancer spent his early days in a shaving-lined cage in Amy’s room. After failing to keep Amy sleeping in her own room as promised, Dancer then moved to a bigger habitrail in the playroom, where he would enjoy frequent over-feedings as a guilt assuaging exercise from the children. Dancer was instrumental in cementing the firm beliefs of Ms. Diva that all rodents should be kept outdoors, and that the movie G-Force was a propaganda piece for naive parents.

After several months without communication, the family has declared the rodent to be deceased; finally reunited with that giant wheel in the sky. He leaves behind a water bottle, a half-eaten apple twig and a much too small ball after his unfortunate weight gain. 

Due to the absence of his remains, there will be no formal funeral arrangements, however in lieu of flowers, the bereaved are asked to donate to Ms. Diva’s legal defense fund when she kills her husband for buying a rat with wanderlust and therapy for their children when they eventually do locate the remains in the playroom.

                                                                         Dancer the Hamster
          December 23, 2011-Way longer than I thought

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