What I have and haven't done the first week of school

While the kids have now been in school for almost 3 weeks, Jessie didn’t start full-time Kindergarten until last Friday, so I’ve only had about five days of daytime hours by myself. 

It hasn’t gone exactly how I’d imagined.

Things I’ve done:

1.) Watched a lot of bad daytime television. After years of Nick Jr. as the intermittent soundtrack from 9-3, I realize that it is a pretty high-brow network in comparison to TLC or Lifetime. On the upside, I can now work on an Alaskan crab boat and find the perfect wedding dress.

2.) I still go to Publix almost daily, but my average grocery bill has dropped 20% without “help” from the kids.

3.) Re-introduced myself to the treadmill. (And it’s still an asshole just as I remembered.)

4.) Reading a lot more, but now I also have time to argue with myself all day before I see another human thus sparing others from my political rants. You’re welcome, Interwebs.

5.) While I’ve always cooked a lot, now I’m trying new things like pickling. Botulism over boredom is my new motto.

What I haven’t done that I thought I would have by now:

1.) Finish organizing the basement storage. There are boxes still there from two moves ago, what’s the rush?

2.) Napped.

3.) The myriad of redecorating projects I had planned. While I realistically didn’t think I would have re-tiled the bathroom or painted a mural on the playroom ceiling by September 1st, I did think I would have at least thought about new paint colors and fabric swatches..

4.) Picked up my novel in progress again. The good news is that it’s about an HOA gone horribly awry, and watching the daytime antics in this neighborhood is excellent research.

5.) Sought professional help for my pickling addiction. (Or at the very least, contacted TLC for a reality show about it.)

Surprising things I’ve learned in all of this solitude:

1.) My cookie recipe makes an extra dozen per batch without the kids stealing the dough.

2.) Jingle really does sleep all day--but now I know it’s under Amy’s bed.

3.) When you can honestly tell your kids that there are things living under your bed, it’s time to clean under there.

4.) I really need some friends. And a hobby. Or a cat. Or ten cats. (But they’ll have to sleep under Jessie’s or Matty’s beds.)

5.) I miss my kids.

First attempt to take over the world. Or at least North America

We are now in our 3rd day of hosting our Canadian exchange students, and I think it's going fairly well.

We really don't have a whole lot of time together--during the day they are busy seeing the sights of Nashville and eating at chain restaurants, and I really only have bonding time to and from hockey games. So far we've discusses the crazy large amount of churches here and the local liquor laws, which I swear they initiated, not me. (Not appropriate for 11th graders.) I have tried to steer the conversation toward country music star stalking and pushing my own personal agenda to take over the world.

And then I realized I had no such agenda but I didn't want to miss this once in a life time opportunity so I made one up: McPudding and Ordinal Numbers.

First off, I've noticed they don't use ordinal numbers often so I've helpfully put them in bold throughout this post to show how helpful they are in verbal and written expression. You're welcome, Canada.

Secondly, If you don't know the McPudding story basically my husband orders the fictitious McPudding at every McDonald's he visits in hopes to get it on the menu. He believes it is his legacy for our children. This drives me insane since it requires an extra long explanation at the drive-thru and fits of laughter from the back seat. So I thought that perhaps our Canadian friends could take up this cause and then it would truly be a global effort.

But then I realized "pudding" means something totally different in traditional, non-American English cuisine and has precious little to do with Bill Cosby and more to do with Yorkshire and figgy.

Which is totally gross and not at all in keeping with the true spirit of the McPudding movement.

So it looks like McPudding will eventually remain a strictly state-side national treasure.

You're welcome, Canada.

So long, 2009

We are off for a few days to ring in 2010 in style. I have a feeling 2010 is going to be particularly awesome--I think I do better in even years, and wll, this one already has lots of pretty amazing things planned.

So here's my not-so fond farewell to 2009.


While the past year was pleasant in many ways, there are a few things that 2009 can keep. My Top Nine Things That Can Stay in 2009 are:

1. New Year’s Resolutions. This is 2010, ya’ll. If the ancient Mayans and John Cusack are to be believed, we’ve only got two years until Armageddon. I suggest we all abandon the resolutions and prepare bucket lists instead.

2. Open microphones at award shows. This was a great list Sub Diva, and I’m going to let you finish, but People had the best Top list of all time!

3. Books about vampires. I love a good teenaged love story with the undead as much as the next gal, but how about we mix it up this year with some sea creature romances?

4. Pirates. Seriously, I said 2009, not 1709. And they’re not even vampires.

5. Guest lists at State Dinners. It’s harder to sneak into an R-rated movie than it is for breakfast in bed in the Lincoln bedroom.

6. Lax golf club laws. Poor Tiger.

7. TLC, a.k.a “The Learning Channel.” Let’s get real, folks. This is the network that gave us Jon minus Kate and What Not To Wear. Unless you’re majoring in family dysfunction and remedial fashion through public humiliation, you ain’t learnin’ nothin’ on The Learning Channel.

8. H1N1. But I don’t mind the built-in excuse as to why I can’t shake hands with a creepy dude at a cocktail party or refraining from dipping my hand into the bowl of Doritos that’s been passed around the room.

9. Top nine lists. In 2010 it’ll just look lazy.

Happy New Year everyone, and welcome 2010.

©2009 (for the last time!) Tracey Henry

Cross-posted at Suburbandiva.com

Women are from Venus, Men are from Tom Tom

Sean: You need to pick me up at the car dealer later after I drop off my car to be repaired.

Me: Okay, where is it?

Sean: On 60 on the north side of the street.

Me: Clueless stare.

Sean: Sigh. On the right.

Me: Still clueless blank stare.

Sean: On the side of the hand you write with.

Me: Making typing motions and shrugging my shoulders.

Sean: Huge sigh. I can't believe I let you educate our children. The opposite hand of your left-sided freckle.

Me: My biological left designator that faithfully got me through elementary school and Driver's Ed has now faded with age.

Sean: Seriously, you need help. The opposite side of the hand you wear your wedding ring on.

Me: Processing those long logistics. Oh, okay. I know right where it is!

After almost 18 years, it's the little signs of romance.

Rudolph the spin-off

We're watching the classic Christmas specials tonight on ABC Family. I love this crazy night of 1960's claymation/stuffed carnival animal yule fun--who doesn't sing "I'm Mr. Heat Miser" as their lullaby all of December?

But there is one program that just doesn't put the jingle in my jangle--"Rudolph's Shiny New Year."

If you haven't seen it, basically it's a special that some crack addict hopped up on snickerdoodles and cheap Asti Spumante came up with to fill the dead programming slots for the week of December 26-31. Rudolph is asked to save the Baby New Year from a vulture who will turn into a glacier if Time--played by Red Skelton--is allowed to continue. Rudolph gets help along the way by those traditional New Year's characters we all know and love: Big Ben the whale, a caveman, a knight with a Rip Van Winkle beard, the Three Bears and Ben Franklin. Pure Auld Land Syne gold here. I don't know whether I want Rudolph to win and save time or hope that the ice vulture triumphs so I can have that hour of my life back.

Go, Eon, go.