Taurus: You basically suck

So I'm running like my typical crazy self today--packing, cleaning, feeding, getting a column up, making my third trip to the pediatrician's office of the week...when my daily horoscope arrives in my inbox.

Dear Tracey,
Here is your horoscope
for Thursday, March 27:

Play it safe -- avoid risks of any kind. It's not that you're in danger, but taking chances is a sure way to attract the wrong kind of attention from the universe. Things should be more relaxed in a few days.

Um. Yeah, I'm about to get a plane with 4 kids--all of whom have had some sort of ailment recently, and I am nervous enough on a good day, and this is my freaking horoscope??? You have got to be kidding me.

Bon voyage

I am racing. Racing to get us packed for a little excursion northward for a family wedding.

This is proving to be difficult.

It is the first time all 6 of us are going to fly. 6. That's the snack Nazi Dad, 2 bored boys, Amy, a teething baby and the biggest basket case of all--me. I HATE TO FLY. I HATE TO FLY WITH KIDS EVEN MORE. The thought of collapsing the double satroller through security absolutely exhausts me even right now. I know I'm going to burst into tears when they tell me I can't have diaper rash cream and Similac on the plane. Seriously. If I had time, I would drive 24 hours rather than go to an airport.

So I am trying to pack for 6 with coats, wedding clothes and baby gear. I think I've narrowed it down to 23 bags for 4 days.

We'll wear our underwear inside out.

Easter 2008

They all lay exhausted on the couch with jelly beans stuck in their hair.

But I don't care, we had a nice Easter weekend. We sort of took it in two days since Sean had to work so much. So yesterday we had out brunch with the Easter Bunny and egg hunt. Gotta tell you- a bit disappointed with this event. It cost a fortune for a plate full of runny scrambled eggs and a cheesy Easter mascot than the Big Bunny himself.


But no matter, we went on a putting green and fought little children for piles of plastic eggs nonetheless.



We found lots of choking hazards in those eggs.



But that's half the fun. Here's my baby and my baby.




And my Amy


And Matty, Amy and Jess


They make me laugh. Happy Easter, all.

Good Friday Wrap Up

How fun is that? Um, big fun. Especially if I get Fast Passes to Aerosmith's Rockin' Roller Coaster and another rockin' mom to ride it with me...

Okay, so I'm coming around here slowly. Have to. Woke up in a mild panic realizing it was Good Friday and I had yet to dye a single egg or buy a jelly bean. So the Tasha comes through, and I get out for a couple of hours to stock up on Bunny supplies. We will spend the rest of the afternoon boiling eggs and boiling sheets to rid ourselves of this bug once and for all. We all seem to be better, but Jessica just can't stop spewing. Poor little thing.

A minor conquest has left a nice spring in my step for this start of spring. I've been working on Trademarking "Suburban Diva" for about 200 years. It has been an application plagued with a thousand different problems, bureaucratic red tape, and applicant's stupidity. (moi). After three and a half years, several hundred dollars later, and more stupidity, I finally got smart and called the TM office. Instead of an automated help line or a paralegal, the actual attorney working my case picks up the phone. I immediately apologize. He assures me it's okay, and I say I just want to find out what I need to do next to get my application to the next point, and he says, "Is this Suburban Diva?"

Yes!!

I apologize again because now I know he's the poor attorney whose had to look at my name and idiocy for a majority of his career. I explain quickly that I'm clueless(like he didn't already know that) and if he could just tell me in plain divaspeak what I need to next, I will do it and send him a fruit basket for his trouble.

"I've been meaning to call you, I just need to clear up one thing.."

A few more minutes of me just explaining what I want, and he saying "Oh, well I can just amend that right now if you give me permission, and we can move forward immediately. I'll email it to you today."

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you correctly...you don't want to charge me a $1500 retainer and $450/hr to strike 4 words from my application? We can do this over the phone? I don't have to send another fee? I don't need to figure out which form of a 830 page document in which to file, then wait 6 months to hear I've done it wrong then start all over again? Really? Really! REALLY!!

So, after a 7 minute phone call, I am almost a Trademarked entity. And soon all of the fake Suburban Diva's are going to get cease and desist emails.

Wooo Hoooo!!! And thank you Mr. Trademark Attorney! You rock out loud!

Pukefest

Oh. My. God. I have never been so sick in all of my life. EVER.

I wished for death for 12 straight hours as I threw up and up and up.

And you know how misery loves company? Well, good thing, because this was after Amy was sick for 2 days, Matty started barfing along side of me, the Intern is here puking, and the Intern's friend got it, too. Sean was a few hours behind us all, but did manage to join in Pukapalooza '08. Jessie is still sick.

There are saints that walk among us. There are angels on Earth. And then there are Tasha's who outshine them all.

Tasha is our babysitter, but more than that because she pretty much takes care of our family whenever we need her and under whatever crazy circumstances they may be. So I called my Tasha and said, "the entire household +2 guests are throwing up uncontrollably. We need you to drop everything and spend the next 12 hours in this Petri dish taking care of Jessie and then running to the store for Jell-o."

And do you know what, she did.

She saved my life, I tell you, as I literally could not lift my head from the bathroom floor. I love her.

Today, we're all better, but on the slowest pace above sleeping imaginable. I am washing everything in the house and bleaching doorknobs. But I am upright.

Next post I'll tell you about the ER on the eve of Pukapalooza and yet another broken bone on Stevie.

How many times can I wash towels and her blanket?

The only aspect about the 24 hour stomach flu is that it only lasts 24 hours. So, why pray tell, did Amy just spew on hour 37?

This is how the Intern and friend are spending their spring break. I hoped they met some hotties when I sent them up to Walgreen's for Pedialyte. Smelling all citrusy from the hand sanitizer the crazy old aunt keeps pumping into their palms...

It's kind of gross around here.

Laughs for the whole family

I wrote a column today about my multiple personalities looking curiously like the cast of The Love Boat. I thought it was funny...

But here's a cute show on multiple personalities--guys like Mr. Happy, Mr. Persnickety, and Mr. Scatterbrain. I'm currently applying for the Miss Diva character that tells bad jokes but wears nice shoes.



It's on Cartoon Network and it's called "The Mr. Men Show." Check it out for a cute laugh with the kiddos.

(Oh yeah, and we've got a contest going on Suburbandiva.com. Sign up at Newbaby.com, and get a free HP Photo Book!)

Ode to my blog

What a fatabulous day--all thanks to blogging.

And how often will I say that particular sentence in my lifetime?

So, first big news. Guess who is going to Disney World? I'll give you hint: she's recently brunette, frazzled, and insane...

Good guess! It's me! I know, I know, why is this different than every weekend of my Florida life? Because of blogging, and columning, that's why.

Yep, the folks at WDW have invited moi to their house for a weekend of Mouse blogging I s'pose. Not really sure exactly, but heck, I'm game!

And then, just when you thought that would be the biggest blog windfall of the month, that beautiful, intelligent, and insightful reporter from The St. Pete Times calls and says, "We need more Diva!" (Actually, she probably said we're having trouble filling space on the bottom of the garage sale page and thought of you.) So, if the editor is sleeping on the day she passes him my story, I am soon to be mentioned there again!

Can I hear a blog wOOt?

Lights, camera and diva action

These filming days suck every ounce of wit and patience from every fiber of my body.
It is cool to do, but I swear, I can only do it once every six months because it takes that long to summon the energy needed. I need a nap and a drink.

But since I will get neither tonight, I will settle for takeout and a book.

More tomorrow after I have recupurated and scrubbed off my make-up.

Change o' plans

Of course there is. Because it's me.

Same offer, my house on Monday.

Who is in?

Correction

Perhaps I wasn't clear yesterday on my blog entry.

Unbeknownst to me, it was hijacked and posted on some professional actor's site, and suddenly my divamail is being filled with headshots of women with their previous acting experience and measurements.

I feel like I'm ordering a Russian bride or something.

I feel bad about this for two reasons. One, because these ladies actually think that I have a job to give them--which I don't--and two, that I have to audition people, and apparently pay union wages, to be my friends.

Sniff.

My friends...

Okay, lurkers. I don't know who reads this. Unless you say, "I read on your blog that..." or you leave a comment, I don't know who is out there. But I am assuming that if you read this on any regular basis then you are a) my friend, or b) building a case file for DCF.

If you are a)... then read on. If b), I'm taking my children to the museum and then to harvest organic granola.

a) folks: I am going down state to do some filming for that website that I work for on Thursday, and I'm looking for another Mom who would be interested in going with me and appearing on camera, too. Just a little to do some short promos, casual, yet witty spots. I'm not looking for any professional actresses, (because I am certainly NOT) just someone who could have a little light fun talking about motherhood in general.

If I've already asked you to watch my children for the day, then you'll have to wait to do the Tampa filming in the next couple of weeks. Sorry.

But if you'd like some Diva fun for the day, then email me at Divamail@Suburbandiva.com right but quick, and I promise a fun time.

I'll buy lunch.