Why our December electric bill is $4,083.52

Today was decorating day.



We went with the more festive lighting options this year.

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Perhaps since we dined on a delicious steak on Thanksgiving rather than the Tryptophan-laced turkey, I got a boost of domestic energy today.

We returned home from Atlanta late last night, and while the boys were off at a hockey tournament at a very unlady-like time of morning, I unpacked, did all of the laundry, cleaned out closets and dressers to fill a dozen bags of clothes to Goodwill, grocery shopped, did miscellaneous computer tasks, went through all of the catalogs and made a very nice white bean turkey chili with fresh cilantro.

I am recording this not to brag or to bore you, but to prove to myself later that I did something of substance this week.

Turkey Day Tips

I've written an entire list of step-by-step instructions on Thanksgiving preparations here, but here are a few more:

1.) Save your money on the white truffle butter. Matty claims it was the best turkey he's ever eaten, but I still think it was funky and not in a good, wholesome Thanksgiving sort of way. More like I want to eat Funyons and Mountain Dew after noshing on a turkey leg slathered in peyote buttons.

2.) Deep-fry your cranberry sauce. But eat it hot, right away and sprinkle powdered sugar on it like you were at the county fair instead of a formal dinner. Delish.

3.) Pick the exact opposite of my football picks.

4.) Not really a tip, more of a general question: If your kid gets sick on Thanksgiving, can it be considered swine, or are we back to the bird flu? Or maybe Stevie just is allergic to peyote.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

At $1.83 per ounce, it should smell better

The other bonus about Fake Thanksgiving today?

When you screw up the turkey by getting all Ina Garten on it and spreading white truffle butter all over it which has your kitchen smelling like effing Sherwood Forest in the rain, your guests get to have the real thing on Thursday and you didn't ruin real Thanksgiving.

Not what I thought I'd be quoted in the New York Times for, but I'll take it

Before I started talking about Fake Thanksgiving, I spoke about Fake Hamsters.

And today, I spoke about fake hamsters to the very real New York Times.

Fake Thanksgiving

Because our plans on actual Thanksgiving Day don't include my kitchen, we're having Fake Thanksgiving here on Sunday.

Fake Thanksgiving is very similar to the real one except I am armed with 3 extra shopping days and a week's worth of Food Network specials. Yesterday I got the prime jumbo turkey because they weren't all picked over, and we can watch other football games besides the Lions and Cowboys.

Keeping with non-Thanksgiving theme, we got an early Christmas/late hurricane present. Because we didn't use our hurricane days this fall (yay el nino!) we get an extra day off from school and don't have to go back until Decemberfreakingfirst, ya'll. You can best believe I'm pretty thankful for that.

And speaking of stepping away from the Food Network, Sean does not think that Paula Deen's Deep-Fried Cranberry Sauce Fritters sound like a little piece of breaded heaven. I think he's crazy and needs to be committed.

But then again he may have had a different opinion if he actually saw her make them with Kermit the Frog.

Mayberry, Cuba and CSI

So not all went as planned this weekend. We kicked it off with a little crime here, and while nothing (much) of value was taken, it really rattled me and I'm a little paranoid and skittish as a result.

The police took all of my information, including fingerprinting my car, which I have to tell you, makes me feel somewhat like a suburban bad ass. The neighbors all passed by as CSI: Mayberry was in the driveway collecting evidence, and I bet they're all wondering just what type of drama was unfolding. I'm purposely keeping the black fingerprint dust as a deterrent to future douchebaggery.

But that did not stop us from attending our fall benefit last night,and here is the primer for the event in case you missed it.

This is what pre-revolutionary, post-Fidel, and current-acting Raul, Cuba looks like from Mayberry:



Note the black dress, again. They must have stolen Technicolor from my closet, too.

Friday the 13th sucks

I hate it when a day lives up to its cliche.

Things I did and did not do this week

Things I did this week:

1.) I wrote my fool fingers off on both assigned work and le book.

2.) I found a dress to wear to the benefit on Saturday.

3.) I fit into a smaller size than I orignally thought for Saturday.

4.) Finally took care of that Bride of Franenstein thing I had going on in my hair.

5.) Found a missing thumb drive.


Things I did not do this week:

1.) Get as far as I thought on the rewrites because it's like a house of cards when you change something, you then have to re-write 20,000 more words to make the two in the middle make sense.

2.) Drink soda.

3.) Grieve when the temperature dipped below 90 for the first time since last November.

4.) Get the peanut butter out of the earpiece of my phone.

5.) Hear anything anyone said when they called me.


Not a bad way to spend a week.

This worked so well for reptiles...

You crazies, you got me all distracted with iguanas and property law and I totally missed that I had a whole host of other assignments due (ones that actually pay) and so I have to extend my research/interview requests to include:

1.) Suggestions for giving books as gifts this holiday season. Kids, adults, fiction or non--anything that really sticks out for you this year?

2.) Somethng hilarious Christmas column.

You can just write, proofread and submit that last one to my stocking.

Thanks.

(But leave a comment on the first one...)

It's called "research"

Because I'm too lazy to use the Google, here's the novel research question of the day: Do iguanas have long tongues that eat flies?

These are the literary questions that consume me lately. I am proud to say that despite having a double ear infection, peanut butter in the ear-piece of my new iPhone (not related. I think.), and a whole bunch of other distractions, I have, in fact, a beginning, middle and end to the novel.

*waits for applause to subside*

Now begins the task of going back through and filling all of the holes I made and generally tightening prose and bolstering word counts. And research.

In other words, all of the fun stuff.

Interview Requests

No, I'm serious.

I need two reasonably-educated people (or one super smart one) to help me out in a couple of scenes in my book. I don't need binding legal opinion, but I just need to know what the fictional legal ramifications would be for two of my characters. So if any lawyer-type has a few minutes to kill, I'd be appreciative.

The other quasi-expert I need is someone familiar with Roberts Rules and parlimentary procedure in general. If this fits your description, then you could use some fun and read two scenes in my novel.

Help a sister out, please. Divamail@Suburbandiva.com and I'll mention you in the dedication.

Happy Birthday, Stevie

My little boy turned 14 today, and in addition to making us all old, it also means I've had the best fourteen years of my life, and we are so very blessed. So very blessed.

No really, I'm serious this time. Really.

Perhaps you are already familiar with NaNoWriMo, which translates to National Novel Writing Month to writers around the literary world. November is traditionally the month someone determined was a good one in which to challenge people to write a novel in 30 days.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Here in Safety Harbor, Novemeber is hereby designated as GYFNFA--which simply means, "Get your freaking novel finished already."

GYFNFA has already passed by several times here this year--you'll recall June, August and most recently October as celebratory months. But now, I'm serious. December 1 will mark 2 years of this particular project, and if I don't finish it now, it will never, ever, ever happen.

I really don't have that much more to go, and now that Trunk n' Treat, Halloween, a few birthdays, baseball season and all of my excuses are over, I should be quite prolific for the next 30 days.

Look for my furious typing fingers and furrowed brow this month.

Saying good-bye to October:



Amy doesn't like the spooky music coming from across the street.



Before the sugar coma.




It's already 400 degrees, the fire just ensures that all of the Fun Size Snickers melt.